Life is packed full of opportunities to feel shame – feeling like you’re not good enough, or worthy of truly connecting or belonging (more on what shame is can be found here).
Here we’ll see a few examples throughout life of how feelings of shame can begin.
Infancy is a minefield of shame stimuli
When you’re young, your impressionable mind is a sponge for meaning. Even if we’re not aware of it, we give meaning to things at some deeper level.
We’re desperate for approval, love, caring and attention. So anything that threatens that support quickly becomes something to be feared. Annoyingly, our unconscious minds are suckers for giving meaning to things where we don’t really know the truth. From these imagined meanings, all sorts of bad shit gets learned and gradually turns to feelings of shame.
Parents shouting at each other? It must be your fault. Therefore you’re not good enough.
A new-born sibling getting all the attention? You’ve been abandoned – obviously something wrong with you.
Lost a favourite toy? You didn’t deserve it in the first place.
Dad always away on business? You’re not worthy of his love and attention.
Bullied at school? You’re not likable enough, everyone else had a better childhood.
Teacher told you off in front of everyone? You’re not good enough, and worthy of ridicule.
Of course, all these meanings are irrational, subjective meanings applied to events.
I remember school feeling like an incredibly strict environment. Pupils were getting shamed all the time for simple mistakes or moments of natural forgetfulness (the kind that teachers themselves would get away with all the time).
Recently my niece forgot a pencil in home-ec class. She was then made to sit out of a following class there they baked scones. She missed out on a learning experience, and was made to feel like a humiliated “outsider”, because she forgot to take a pencil to class.
Is it going to make her remember to taken the pencil to class in future? Maybe – but its also going to make her feel bad about herself, attract unfair comments from her classmates, and probably hate the idea of ever baking scones again having associated the experience with upset feelings.
When you’re a teen
In adolescents, any shame carried over from childhood gets amplified even more. You’ve now got identity beginning to take shape, feelings of sexuality, hormones, changes, incredible amounts of pressure to grow up fast enough and compete well enough.
For relationships, for grades, for sports, for parental recognition, for your all-important future, for being perfect enough.
Except no one’s perfect – and where you fall short, there are plenty of people, parents, friends, teachers and social-network provocations to remind you about it.
When you’re an adult
Well, life is just ram-packed with shame-stimuli. As well as figuring out who you are and what you really want to do with your life, you have to juggle the demands of a social life, relationships, housing, maintenance, a career, hobbies, finances, family, travel, appearances and health.
Along with the materialist culture we live in, there’s the pressure of achievement.
Not achievements like enlightenment of course, or knowing yourself, or loving someone (or yourself!) whole-heartedly.
Achievements like climbing the competitive career ladder, filling your head with knowledge that you’ll never use, or earning enough wealth to buy all this junk.
Until you reach those lofty goals, you’re not good enough. You haven’t done enough, you don’t know enough, you haven’t earned enough.
There’s a general culture of shaming and blaming, put-downs, mocking and gossip. We notice things by their difference, so things that stick out for not being perfect enough become targets for other people’s attention.
Most of this of course isn’t just a cause for shame – its caused by shame.
Because by now, all the shame you’ve gathered in life has been ingrained for years – protecting itself, trying to salvage whatever self-worth it can (even if it means knocking down others), being critical, fault-finding, hiding behind other’s imperfections, forming relationships that won’t really challenge us in the way we’re afraid (but often need).
One person shames another to make themselves feel more powerful – then that wounded person goes and shames another, and so on.
If this all sounds a bit dramatic and far-fetched, then you might be extremely surprised the more you begin to spot shame doing its thing.
Media and advertising
People will do anything to avoid feeling shame.
Which is why advertisers love to use the fear of shame as a motivator.
This is why we’re bombarded daily by advertising telling us how imperfect we are.
You’re a schmuck unless you drive a car like this.
You won’t be attractive to the right partner, unless you spray this scent on yourself.
Your dog won’t love you unless you feed him this dog food.
You’re simply not good enough unless you update to this model of phone.
You’re not healthy enough unless you eat this yogurt.
Your social life is rubbish unless you get this pizza takeout.
Pretty much all of marketing and consumer economy is built upon creating need – and you only need something when you’re lacking in some way and aren’t good enough!
We’re bombarded with around 600 advertising messages a day. On the TV, radio, in the corners of the many websites visited, brands on cars, shop windows, word-of-mouth from people, our own appliances and brands.
That’s a lot of “you’re not good enough” messages to absorb.
The media is packed with shame. We love to watch people make a fool of themselves on TV so we can mock them and feel better about ourselves. We love to watch disgraced politicians or celebrities on the news so we can join in the shaming brigade.
Ratings are chased with sensationalist titles like “I’m a Freak” or “Embarrassing Bodies”.
The whole celebrity culture has become a self-fulfilling circle of nothingness, with very little talent or role-models for young people to look up to or be inspired by.
The main message getting projected out seems to always be “you’re not quite good enough”.
This is who you should be.
This is what you should be.
This is how you should be.
Later in life
Just when you think you’re getting somewhere, able to mask the shame levels well enough with all your earnings, distractions and achievements, life takes a turn.
You start losing your hair – not masculine enough.
Start relying more and more on makeup or surgery to look “beautiful” – not feminine enough.
Start getting wrinkles or getting joint pains – not young enough.
Start getting fat – not attractive enough.
Start seeing the consequences of your own children’s shame levels – not a good enough parent.
Of course, there are always of plenty happy and perfect people and families around to remind you of just how lacking your life is.
The Real Horror Story
If this doesn’t sound threatening or scary enough – its only just the beginning!
These are just the beginnings of shameful feelings. The very inception of those murky icky scary feelings.
The reinforcement of the consequences of shame are a much, much bigger problem.
Its a scary vicious cycle that makes the beginnings more or less irrelevant.
Articles around “What causes shame”
- Some Friendly Words of Caution…
- Early Beginnings of Shame
- Shame Identities – how you don’t want to be seen
- Shame Stimuli in Adulthood
- Advertising, Marketing & Media
Navigate the Shame Section:
- Introduction
- What is shame?
- What causes shame? (this page)
- The effects of shame
- Building shame resilience
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