Shame

Shame is something that affects everyone, to varying degrees, at different times and in different ways.

It’s related to the feeling of defectiveness aspect of trauma – the feeling of “I am not good enough” or “I am broken”. Of the three main negative self beliefs (I am powerless, I am unsafe, I am defective), the feeling of defectiveness is the one which relates most to the self, rather than one’s relationship to their environment.

It differs from guilt – which is more about doing wrong.

Shame is a feeling of being wrong.

It’s a hugely useful area to learn about because it doesn’t just enhance self-awareness – it lets you be able to more effectively connnect with others too. You’ll be looking at people and their behaviors through new eyes.

Because the anxieties generated by shame are extremely common, and pushed so far deep down in our minds that we only see the nasty after-effects.

It’s a natural flip-side of being conscious.

Becoming aware of shame, how it’s caused, how it works and what it does to people, is a ridiculously useful thing to do.

It will help you overcome little anxiety barriers that you didn’t even know you had. It will allow you to become more of yourself, without feeling held back by things as much. It will make you more immune to others’ unfair criticisms or negativity, so they won’t hold you back as much either.

You’ll also become so much more aware of everyone else around you, understanding things that previously felt beyond understanding.

All of this will allow you to connect with people better, enjoy the rewards of empathy a lot stronger, and be a much better friend, partner and parent (as well as son or daughter, because you might understand your parents a lot more).

What are some of those nasty after-effects of shame? You’ll not only understand these effects, but you’ll be able to control them in yourself and recognize them much better in others, too:

Criticizing, gossiping, bitching.

Feeling nervous around new people.

Feeling overwhelmed, tired and lethargic most of the time.

“Flying off the handle” in moments of rage.

Behaving totally opposite to how you see yourself, and having to embarrassingly apologize for it later.

Pushing people away, and later regretting it.

Never really knowing people as well as you know you could.

Being a slave to procrastination or distraction.

Getting so far with a good project, only to sabotage it or let it go at the last minute.

Knowing that you could do more in life, but feeling held back by something.

Feeling like its wrong to be confident, successful, or express yourself.

The Great Destroyer

Feelings of shame can be responsible for a great deal of damage.

Broken relationships.

Anxieties and depression.

Hurt feelings and fractured emotions.

Potential for happiness & success being pushed far away.

Moments of irrationality that push people away.

Personal barriers that prevent career or relationship progression.

But the incredible thing is that becoming aware of shame, and how it works, is simple.

Its obvious.

It all “clicks”. 

It’s so clear that you’ll be amazed that you hadn’t figured it out before.

I’ve been studying various fields of psychology for over 20 years, including self-help, goal setting, confidence, influence and persuasion, suggestion and hypnosis, NLP, cognitive psychology, unconscious vs conscious thought, anxiety and depression. I’ve learned a fair few useful things, here and there, about why people do what they do and how to liberate yourself from various traps.

But nothing blew my mind as much as studying shame.

It became the cornerstone for all of the other fields I knew were an important piece of the puzzle – fear of failure, childhood programming, defense mechanisms, self-belief, the self-image, limiting beliefs – everything that gets in the way of your fulfillment.

Suddenly, everything finally came together for a complete, far-reaching explanation.

And with that, the ability to understand the self as well as others.

The Shame Section

There are five main pages here (including this one), the rest with their own set of related articles.

There’s a stack of content here because I’d previously written a separate website (called ScaryFeelings), the aim of which was to encourage people to anonymous share feelings on a path to building resilience and encouraging empathy. I since merged it all into this site for ease of management. Leaving it broken into specific pages like this allows for any feedback, shared stories or thoughts to be added to wherever relevant.

This section of the site has three purposes:

1) To show and teach you shame awareness, so you can use it in your own life for great benefit

2) To share casual shame-based anecdotes from everyday life, to give comfort to people who can relate to such stories

3) To give you, the reader to join in and be part of it – sharing your story to “let it out”, and building your resilience to shame.

Where to begin?

Navigate the Shame Section:

• Introduction (this page)
• What is shame?
• What causes shame?
• The effects of shame
• Building shame resilience