The Effects of Shame

 Shame hides itself

The first problem here is that people really don’t like talking about shame.

Even when people are happy to talk about depression, and even identify with feeling “depressed”, we’re somehow much less comfortable with the idea of feeling shame.

Not only do we hide shame from other people, but we hide it from ourselves.

Shame becomes like a serious malware attack on our minds, running various bits of software under the guise of others, that eventually corrupts the whole system.

How does shame hide itself?

Denial

We carry on regardless, get distracted with things, pretending that “everything is ok”.

Everyone has addictions of one kind or another, no-ones perfect, it was just a mistake, I didn’t mean to, its no big deal. Honest.

Distraction

Why give any attention to feelings of shame? Its much easier to focus attention elsewhere.

Sometimes for years, until it catches up with you.

Procrastination

A common trap, the whole thing of putting something off is based on a lack of resilience for feelings of pain and discomfort. Which leads to a lack of self-discipline, because the mind learns to tend towards what is easier in the short-term.

The fear of failure, which is a huge barrier for many, is also a cause and effect of feelings of shame.

Defensiveness

Defensive attitudes can be rampant in a person who is denying feelings of shame. The very idea of it is so painful, and difficult, that the defensive barriers can easily turn to aggression and nastiness.

Anything to keep the attention off the painful feelings of shame which hide within.

Defensiveness is an unconscious, automatic process, and so comes from the emotional, feeling mind rather than the logical, rational one.

For this reason, arguments based on defensive attitudes can quickly escalate into fierce shouting matches, which leave both sides feeling horrible afterwards.

Anxious avoidance

Anxiety can manifest in so many different ways. Being late for appointments, not making eye contact with people, not wanting to go to social events, losing your ability to “be yourself” when around new people. These examples are ways in which anxious behaviours are used unconsciously to try and hide your feelings of shame.

The basic fear is “what if someone finds me out”.

What if someone finds out you’re not good enough?

Anxious-avoidant behaviours keep you from threatening situations – but they also of course give more energy and reinforcement to the feelings of shame.

This can also lead to that tendency of pushing someone away, so that they never have to get close enough to know you and reject you. If they aren’t pushed away, then they might be kept at arm’s length instead.

Its no wonder that deep, honest and meaningful friendships are hard to come by these days – the silent epidemic of shame has allowed society to evolve to a point where we barely have to truly listen or know people any more.

Another dark side of this tendency, is that people will often unconsciously seek out friends who don’t pose any challenge. When surrounded by people who may be similarly shameful, repressed and lacking self-acceptance, there is little challenge or inspiration to reach your potential and break through barriers. Like seeks like, and people begin to wallow in each other’s shame effects.

The moment one begins to improve, for example letting go of an addiction, they’re likely met with scorn and ridicule rather than praise and encouragement, because the other one is now threatened and the defensive shame mechanisms are in full force.

The feelings of loneliness which can arise from avoiding people or social situations are the exact feelings which cause shame – the fear of disconnection from people, of not being worthy of people’s attention or acceptance.

Silence and secrecy

Similar to anxious-avoidant behaviours, shame can hide by preventing situations where you ever have to really open up to anyone.

This is becoming easier thanks to the short communications bursts of texting, email, twitter and Facebook. Rather than have genuine, real conversations about how you are, people just “give an impression” instead, which might not be particularly honest or accurate.

Again, the secrecy just gives more energy to the feelings of shame.

Anger, resentment, judgement, nastiness

These negative sides of shame might go hand in hand with defensiveness, but not always. A generally negative attitude can develop where self-loathing is projected outwards instead.

Others are criticised, as a way to make the person feel better about themselves, and hide the shame.

The basic idea is to shift the attention, the doubt and the ill-feelings onto something or someone else. Shame can be really good at hiding this way, especially with dry, sardonic and caustic wit – bashing and blaming anything in its path.

Whilst people like this are likable and witty – they rarely attract trust or confidence from people. Who’s to say they won’t badmouth you at some point? And that’s the point – the wall of criticism becomes a barrier to better interpersonal connections which may be threatening.

Energy drain

It takes energy to keep shame hidden.

To constantly assess the environment for threats and shame triggers.

The battle looms against the various conflicts that threaten with feelings of shame – be confident but not arrogant, seek power but not superiority, be beautiful but not vain, be presentable but not insecure, be expressive but not self-centered, be unique but not attention seeking, have fun but don’t procrastinate.

All of it takes energy.

So its no surprise that the end result isn’t just increased risk of isolation and loneliness, and of not being truly known or understood, but of feeling…

…exhausted

…overwhelmed

…disconnected.

The mind body link is extremely powerful, so headaches, migraines, digestion issues, aches, pains and skin conditions are all possible too as a result of the massive negative energy being anxiously gripped and held deep down within.

The worst effects

The most harmful effects are the very feelings that are feared at the heart of shame.

The fear of disconnection… ultimately drives behaviours that lead to feeling disconnected.

The fear of loneliness, isolation, feeling estranged from the world… without adequate relationships and self-expression, are the exact realities that shame gradually leads people to.

A person might check out mentally and emotionally from close relationships, or family. At this point, the vulnerability to harmful pursuits, addictions or destructive behaviours is huge. The desperation for connection could lead a person towards a cult, get-rich quick schemes, or other organisations who profit from exploiting the vulnerable and desperate.

The primal brain ignites

Studies have shown that the fear from shame triggers can shut down the higher-level functions of cortical functioning (rational brain cognitive processes). Instead, the primal areas of the brain are triggered instead – more normally associated with the fight or flight response.

Normally when fear is invoked, the situation calls for it – aggression is needed, as well as automaticity and speed.

The fear triggered by shame is a different kind of fear – not only the deepest, most destructive and disabling of fears but also one which can be triggered in the most seemingly trivial of situations or conversations.

This is when people react with outbursts, sudden defensive attacks, anger, rage or shouting.

Episodes like this are usually followed up with “I don’t know what came over me”. Sincere apologies. “I wasn’t acting myself – I don’t know what happened”.

“That isn’t me – that’s not who I am”.

“I’m not that kind of person”.

“Something took over – it was like I couldn’t control myself”.

I personally feel the full force of this primal-brain stuff when arguing with family members. I don’t know quite where the shame triggers come from, maybe the threat of not feeling accepted or loved – but arguments with my dad or brother have sometimes led to that extreme shouty rage that has left me feeling embarrassed and out of control.

And shameful.

Imagine a life without all these threats and effects!

Eradicating shame from your life is impossible. Wherever there is a positive thing to be enjoyed – love, belonging, connection, acceptance – there is always going to be the fear of loss, of not attaining or enjoying those things.

But the effects can certainly be mediating, and helped, reduced, and dealt with far more usefully!

Articles around “Effects of shame”

• Everyone feels the effects of shame
• Shame is a vicious circle
• When People Use Subtle Shaming Behaviour
• Shame creates denial
• Shame creates tiredness, headaches, pains
• A lifetime of distraction
• Shame makes you feel overwhelmed
• Shame creates defensiveness
• Shame and anxious avoidance
• Shame creates silence and secrecy

Navigate the Shame Section:

• Introduction
• What is shame?
• What causes shame?
• The effects of shame (this page)
• Building shame resilience

…or move onto the Mindfulness Section